And welcome. Raise Your Inner Game Today. I’m David Levin. This is our Tuesday episode so today we’re talking about sports and sports parenting and COACHING with this one, as well.
So, I was talking with a couple of coaches recently, high school football here in town, and they said something that honestly surprised me, and that might say more about me than anything else. But they said two of their biggest issues are recruitment and retention.
We’re a smaller town. Most kids play more than one sport. Football isn’t as big here as it is elsewhere. And all that adds up to them being seriously concerned with having enough kids to even have a full team. It also keeps them from being able to push the kids as hard as they might because they’re not as committed to it. They’re more likely to just say, never mind, I’ll do something else.
So anyway, like I said, I was surprised to hear that. But as soon as they said it I thought of course, it makes sense. Things are changing all the time. Kid’s interests are changing. I imagine also, to be honest, there’s less enthusiasm from a lot of PARENTS for football with all the concerns around CTE and all that.
I know would be worried if our son was into football. I’m a big worrier. But that’s a real concern, no doubt.
But here’s what occurred to me as far as how to address the problem — how to BOOST recruitment and retention. And this gets right to the heart of the psychology of kid’s playing sports or really being part of any group or activity. So here it is, and I think you’ll really get this.
Basically, the key is for them to like themselves better when they’re part of the team than when they’re not. To like themselves better when they’re part of the team than when they’re not.
And when I say like I mean they feel good about themselves, they feel PROUD of themselves. I’m a better person for being part of this.
That’s what you want. If you can help your players feel that way, you’ll have all the kids you need.
So how do you do that? What kinds of things make someone feel good about themselves and be proud of themselves?
We’ll start with being proud of ourselves. And this is classic Raise Your Inner Game material. If you’ve read the book or taken the training, you will totally recognize this.
So, here’s an example of what makes us proud.
Now and then I will set myself up for a week or so with a Challenge to be super controlled with my food intake, and I will set some strict rules for myself for that period. Same meals for breakfast and lunch. No snacks other than veggies. No dessert other than fruit. I also count calories for every meal every day. (I use the NOOM app for that.) And during that period, it’s okay, and even GOOD to feel hungry. That’s a sign that I’m doing it right.
So those are my rules for these challenges. And, as you can imagine, it’s pretty hard, much harder than my normal way of going through the day. But I also feel MUCH BETTER during these periods—more focused, stronger, and much more proud of myself. It’s actually pretty shocking the difference.
And why do I feel so much better? Because I’m seeing myself make the hard choice and do the right thing over and over again. And every time I do that—I want to grab a sweet snack but I grab the veg instead—it feels great and makes me proud of myself.
So that’s the point. We feel proud of ourselves when we do hard things. And especially when those hard things are about controlling our inner impulses.
So one great thing you can do is to work with your players on doing that. They need to learn the basics of how their mental game works, so they start to recognize the different impulses as they come up. You can give them challenges just like the ones I do, to help them see this and work on themselves and feel the difference.
And, super important, when you talk to them about their performance, make sure you speak to these kinds of inner struggles “Hey, I know how HARD this is. I know what it feels like to get out there, you’re nervous, you’re worried about what if you make a mistake. What if you get outplayed. I totally get it. But don’t worry about that. You’ve got this. You know what to do. I know you can do it.”
Or, afterwards, if something went wrong and they handled it well you’d say …
“Hey, great job pushing through that today and staying strong. I know it would have been easy to get down and lose your focus. But you didn’t do that. Proud of you for shaking that off!”
You see? Those are my words, of course. But that’s the idea. You specifically speak to the feelings involved and the inner struggle. You recognize and understand and empathize with the negative feelings, and you praise them for making the hard choice.
It’s ALWAYS easier to go with the negative reaction, to give in to our lower impulses and emotions. And it’s not easy to resist that and choose to be more positive and operate at a higher level. But that’s what we need to do and it always feels better to do it. So speaking to that and praising them for doing it is super powerful. Not only does it help them make the better choices but it also helps them feel genuinely and rightfully proud of themselves. And they’re going to want as much of that feeling as they can get.
And by the way, here’s another exercise you could try.
My example with watching my food intake, that can be pretty hard, depending on our habits and appetites. Here’s one that’s easier in some ways, and more sports-related, but harder in others, and super great for pointing out how all this works. And it sounds sort of crazy but it also makes a ton of sense.
So, here it is. During competition, don’t look at the scoreboard. And I mean that literally. The exercise is, whenever you notice yourself thinking to look at the score, stop yourself. “Nope. Not looking. Doesn’t matter.”
Just imagine what that would feel like. On the one hand, it’s not hard because you don’t really need to do it. It’s just an impulse. On the other, it IS hard to notice and stop yourself because it happens so quickly and you do want to know. But this is super powerful for developing that presence and focus.
And philosophically, as a coach, it’s a pretty interesting concept. Don’t look at the scoreboard. The score doesn’t give you any helpful information, meaning it doesn’t have anything to do with what you need to do right now. What you NEED to do is execute this next play as perfectly as possible. The score has nothing to do with that. It tells you nothing about HOW to do it.
Now, I don’t mean NO ONE should look at the scoreboard. The COACH needs to do that so they know what to do next. But that’s their job. NOT yours. You need to stay focused and present on the next play.
So, it’s not only a good practice for developing self-awareness and self-regulation, but it’s a pretty good practice for the philosophy of peak performance. Block everything else out. Focus completely on what you need to do right now.
Anyway, that’s a fun one. And that’s how you help your players be more proud of themselves. Help them see the hard inner choices they need to make between what they know to do and the easier thing to do. And celebrate all of that inner work.
Now let’s talk about the feeling GOOD about themselves part, and they’re not really the same thing. Pride is about choosing the harder path. Feeling good is about being PART of something, about BELONGING.
The feelings of being accepted and welcomed and appreciated and respected, these are probably THE most important things to all of us. When a group treats us that way, we want to be in that group. We don’t want to be anywhere else. And if a group does NOT treat us that way, we DON’T want to be there. We want to get AWAY from there.
So what YOU can do is insist on that kind of culture within the team. We support each other. Yes, we’re demanding. You need to bring your best. But we are here for each other. We have each other’s back. We are all in this together. We are a team.
You need to say it, and act it, and demand it, and hold players and coaches accountable for living up to it.
Team-building activities are helpful. Make sure EVERYONE is in, no teasing, no shaming, no in-groups and out groups.
And I don’t mean everyone PLAYS. This isn’t a grade school approach. I mean. if you’re on the team, you’re ON the team. Everyone is respected and valued for their contribution and for who they are.
And think about the effect that has on a kid. If they feel valued and appreciated, they really want to be part of that. Right? And that’s what we’re looking for.
And it’s not just good for recruitment and retention, it’s good for the kids. It’s genuinely helpful and important to be seen that way and to see OURSELVES that way.
This is a wonderful gift to give them, and that’s reason enough to do it. But it will ALSO help with recruitment and retention.
So, the thread here is that, as the coach, and also as a parent, you need to pay attention to the inner game of your players—to their inner struggles and to their inner experience of being on the team.
The more you can do that, and make those positive for them, your players will feel better about themselves for being part of your program, and they will not want to leave.
So that’s what I wanted to talk about today. How to boost recruitment and retention. I hope that was helpful. What I really love about this is that it’s not REALLY about recruitment and retention. It’s about serving your players at a deeper level. About engaging them in a way the makes them GENUINELY feel better about themselves. And not in a superficial way. It’s not just telling them, You’re Great we love you. It’s pushing them to actually be better, to do that work, but doing it in a way that also connects with them in a deeper way. And it’s something coaches and parents can both do. It’s a beautiful thing.
All right, that’s it for this episode.
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